Sharon R. Paavola

Life moments and Book Reviews

Day 15 of 35

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I started a journey, Wednesday, April 8 at 3:00 PM at Mission Valley in San Diego, California, hoping to relieve a darkness that’s clouded my life for decades. I entered with trepidation and doubt. I didn’t know anyone who had traveled through TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation).

My anxiety jumped to an 11 on my drive there and skyrocketed as I walked in the door. Wearing a mask and gloves heightened my fears. I hadn’t left my home since the “shelter in place” orders during the COVID pandemic, other than drive-bys to my daughter’s home. Now I was opening the door to a medical facility which had assured me PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) would be in place.

I checked in and was handed a clipboard with a depression scale test. (Get used to it, Sharon, you’ll fill one out everyday and two on Fridays.) The technician arrived to take me to the treatment room to sit in a big recliner). He prepared the machine ( I don’t really recall what occurred but I do know the psychologist held my hand). Terrified, my mind went back to my Electric Shock Therapy experiences years ago. Assured over and over, this was not the same mechanism as ECT, I relaxed a degree.

Then the psychiatrist walked in to do a technique called mapping. A machine over my brain was set to send signals to my fingers that the technician was noting. This procedure would give them the information to place the pulses correctly on my brain for the next 7 weeks.

After the mapping, my first treatment occurred. It felt like a mini-jack hammer pounding on my head (with ten second breaks) for 20 minutes. Oh, goodness, what have I gotten myself into? Would I be able to endure this day after day for weeks?

The first seven days were a challenge. Relief came over me when each treatment was over. Headaches occurred most days and at night, I would wake up multiple times. I wanted to be positive for my family and friends but I probably caused them more concern. I dreaded going in.

Yet, day eight, the intensity lessened, or was I becoming accustomed to the sensation? It didn’t matter; it was easier.

I could do this!

That’s my experience today, day 15. I have hope in this non-medication therapy for depression to lessen and lighten the dark cloud surrounding me.

Checkin for the next leg of my unusual trek during this crazy pandemic.

Just do it!

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I finished reading The Cure for the “Perfect” Life last night. Oh, my, do I need to read over, digest, and implement several of the chapters.

These concepts I’ve learned before but the way Kathi and Cheri put them together sits right with me. I get it, now.

The other day I was reading in Genesis and the 4 P’s (Perfectionism, performancism, people-pleasing, and procrastination) were on my mind. Adam and Eve were perfect, had the perfect relationship with God, and lived in the perfect place. Nice! But, a serpent came along and whispered lies, deception, and half-truths to Eve. She listened and acted on those lies. Adam went along with her and the perfectness ended. Their first acts were to hide (fear) and then to cover themselves with leaves (shame).

I feel fear and shame when I listen to what these Ps whisper in my ear. These are lies I learned early on in a pastor’s home; to be perfect, to perform, and to please. The same deception continues today as in the garden.

Isn’t wanting to be perfect or thinking that what I do must be perfect trying to be like God – the same lie Satan wanted Adam and Eve to believe? My belief that my writing or my speaking or my parenting should be perfect paralyzes me to the point of not doing it at all.

Just what that serpent in the garden wanted. Destroy God’s plan.

If I don’t do what God has called me to and I wait until I can do it perfectly then I am not affective in reaching out to others with the message of hope, healing, and restoration. My game playing, researching endless topics, and keeping up on Facebook only serve the P- god procrastination.

So, one step, even 5 minutes toward my goal kicks that P to the curb. What’s that commercial say? “A body in motion stays in motion”.

Quoting from the book:

“I think a lot of people feel like they aren’t burying talents when they are just putting them off, but the truth is that if you aren’t using them now, you aren’t using them.
God is telling us not only to stop ignoring our talents, but to stop postponing our talents. Stop waiting until you are fearless – you never will be- but do as much as you can with what you have. That’s brave living.” – Kathi Lipp from The Cure for the “Perfect Life”

So here’s my brave act for today – my imperfect blog.

Just do it!

About the Book:

Website Link: http://www.TheCureForThePerfectLife.com

FREE download of Chapter 1: http://www.thecurefortheperfectlife.com/downloads/chapter1.pdf

Facebook Page (aka “Braver Living Rebel Headquarters”):
http://www.Facebook.com/TinyActsOfRebellion

My Medication Journey Continues

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Eight days have gone by since one more medication change. The last one caused me to gain 45 pounds almost two years ago. Last Saturday ringing in my ears, “loopiness” – a feeling of being in outer space, not finding the words I wanted to say, and dizziness dominated my inner being. I went to church at 5:00 with Eric and wondered how many people looked at me thinking, “What a lovely woman, so put together!”

God encouraged me during the service. “This, too will pass and you are on your way to new things”, I felt Him lovingly say. My tears flowed as my heart ached.

I do want this to be over. I do want to feel alive again. The medication I have been on has left me exhausted and not being able to wake up until 10 or 11 in the morning. Half of Eric’s (my husband) day is already accomplished by the time I arise.

Maybe this will be the one! My doctor, also wants me to change to a different night time drug. He does his best to comply with my request to be off this horrid medication. He’s found that listening to me is valuable since I’m such a veteran. The new night time med will have to wait though. I have lowered my regular bedtime med and I seem to be sleeping okay and I’m waking up around 7 or 8. Wow, a whole day to be awake!

Well, the trail has rocks, curves, and u-turns, steep climbs and sudden downhills. I am putting one foot ahead of the other to see what is in store for me.

Braver Living

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Two weeks ago, my son, Matt, 40, sat me down to chat. He lives in Walnut Creek, California and I dwell in San Diego so our opportunities to talk face to face are few. He wanted to know how I was doing, concern etched in his face. Eventually, we arrived at a pointed question, “Mom, when was the last time you were happy with your life? Wow, how do I answer that? After a long pause I proposed that the years I was teaching a large Bible Study at church and caring for my elderly parents simultaneously would be when I was happiest. Of course, he had to ask why? Well, I was using the gifts God gave me. I loved teaching, speaking, and shepherding. I was also needed by my parents in almost every area of their lives. “Okay, Mom so is doing what makes you happy?” I saw where he was going and tried to help him understand that I felt more alive during those years. Yet I knew something was blocking me, now.

Fast forward to today

Only God knew what was headed my way – a divine appointment with a book, two authors, and multiple new friends on Facebook.

I’m now a braver living rebel – a rebel against the 4 P bullies, Procrastination, Perfectionism, Performancism, and People-pleasing. I don’t know where this will take me, but these authors get me. The book is full of pink marker. They know what I am thinking, feeling, craving. The P bullies wreak havoc in my life, my mind, and spirit.

Granted life the last five years have been hard: losing my last parent, a challenging time controlling my lifelong diagnosis of major depression and anxiety, plus dealing with chronic Fibromyalgia pain but I am frozen, paralyzed. Nothing other than myself keeps me from the things that I enjoy, my dreams, and my goals.

I invite you to come along with me on this journey.

Maybe you will relate to my struggles, my discoveries, and my hope? Maybe you seek encouragement on your path? Do you procrastinate, people please, perform for approval, crave to be perfect but fail?

I want to introduce you to The Cure for the “Perfect” Life written by Kathi Lipp and Cheri Gregory, two very brave women!

A book

Here are links to where you can buy the book and also receive the first chapter free:

Website Link: http://www.TheCureForThePerfectLife.com

FREE download of Chapter 1: http://www.thecurefortheperfectlife.com/downloads/chapter1.pdf

Facebook Page (aka “Braver Living Rebel Headquarters”):
http://www.Facebook.com/TinyActsOfRebellion

Barnes & Noble link (we’d like to support B&N as they’ve been VERY supportive to us!)
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-cure-for-the-perfect-life-kathi-lipp/1118908688?ean=9780736957007

Amazon link:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Cure-Perfect-Life-Trying/dp/0736957006

CBD.com link:
http://www.christianbook.com/-perfect-trying-harder-start-living-braver/kathi-lipp/9780736957007/pd/957007

Family Christian link:
http://www.familychristian.com/catalog/product/view/id/270248/

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